Fired 2,200 Employees in the Most Evil Way, Walmart Did

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Just before 7 p.m on Monday this week, Walmart, possibly the largest Sith-controlled corporation in the galaxy, announced to 2,200 unsuspecting employees that their stores would be closing due to “plumbing problems” and that all workers would be losing their jobs.

The employees worked at five stores in total — two in Texas and three more in California, Florida and Oklahoma. All of those stores apparently have plumbing issues that require extensive repairs which will take about six months to complete, the company said.

Meanwhile, most of the employees, if not all, never saw it coming. Venanzi Luna, the manager of the deli department at the Pico Rivera store in California, told CNNMoney, “Everybody just panicked and started crying.”

Despite their announcement of surprise plumbing problems that would take months to repair, the company doesn’t actually know what kind of repairs are needed yet. Rene Bobadilla, city manager of Pico Rivera, said, “This is the first time we’re hearing of their sewer problems.”

However, Marilyn Sutton, city manager of Livingston, Texas and possible Sith apprentice, claims she knew of the sewage problems as “ongoing and pervasive.” Walmart hasn’t yet applied for building permits in either city.

The laid off employees will be put on paid leave for two months, during which time they can transfer to another store or find a new job. Full-time employees who can’t transfer or find a new job by June 19 may be eligible for severance (if the Emperor feels like it).

Venanzi Luna has a theory on the closures — she believes Walmart is closing her store because workers protested for higher pay last Black Friday. The Pico Rivera store was a center for the pro-union OUR Walmart movement and was one of the first to be protested by employees on Black Friday in 2012.

A Walmart spokesman explained that the decision has nothing to do with anything but the plumbing and that none of the five stores have anything in common but their plumbing problems.

The spokesman continued:

“We understand this decision has been difficult on our associates and our customers and we aim to reopen these stores as soon as these issues are resolved.”

How do Walmart’s execs live with themselves? They get paid a ton of money, obviously.

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