The FBI has a wizard problem

“Only the wise Wizard Kash could uncover the truth and save King Donald from the tangle of lies.” — “The Plot Against the King”

When Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md.) brandished one of Kash Patel’s children’s books during his Senate confirmation hearing to become FBI director last month, it seemed easy to dismiss as a stunt. The idea that the man nominated to run America’s top law enforcement agency had written conspiracy theories as picture books for toddlers sounded absurd. Yet in today’s politics, even the most preposterous ideas have a way of turning real.

In the 2022 book “The Plot Against the King,” he wrote himself as a wizard called “Kash, the Distinguished Discoverer,” who rescues “King Donald” from villainous heralds. Trump is cast as a noble ruler, Hillary Clinton as “Hillary Queenton” and every antagonist is pulled straight from MAGA grievance politics. The sequel leans on “2,000 Mules,” the widely debunked film about election fraud, while the 2024 book “The Return of the King” ends with Trump restored to power through Wizard Kash’s discovery of the truth. Patel has said he wrote the series to fight “indoctrination” by the left, though the result reads less like education than propaganda wrapped in picture-book illustrations.

“On Choosing Day, all the people gathered to pick their ruler — and King Donald was chosen again, for truth always wins.”

It would almost be forgivable if Patel’s books worked as stories, but even by children’s standards they are clunky. His version of an election is “Choosing Day,” a phrase that sounds less like civic education than something cooked up for toddlers groomed on MAGA talking points. Hillary Queenton unleashes “sneaky slugs” that slide into a “steel box,” Patel’s not-so-subtle nod to the Steele dossier. These stories only work if little Timmy is already raised on Fox News or Truth Social.

And yet the books found an audience. One glowing review on Amazon reads, “I love how Kash took a very criminal and dismal time in our history and made it into an easy-to-understand story for kids… I bought 50 books to distribute to kids, classes, libraries, reading circles.” Another praised it as proof that “sometimes people are falsely accused, and we shouldn’t believe everything we hear about a person until the charges are proven.” In other words, the writing may be laughable, but the message landed exactly where Patel wanted it to.

“The wizard, armed with the power of truth, cleared the kingdom of those who had betrayed the crown.”

As FBI director, Patel no longer needs an illustrator to sketch his vision. He now has subpoena power, an army of agents and the authority to shape the Bureau’s priorities. In August, he raised alarms about political interference after he dismissed senior officials tied to Jan. 6 investigations. It was also revealed last month that he oversaw a wave of dismissals that critics dubbed a “Friday Night Massacre,” including agents photographed kneeling during racial justice protests in 2020.

Even in the Charlie Kirk investigation, Patel’s behavior carried the air of performance. He rushed to announce that a suspect had been arrested, only to retract the claim hours later. In congressional testimony he downplayed the error as a “communication issue,” while still emphasizing his own role in driving the case forward.

“And the kingdom was restored to peace, for the truth had triumphed — thanks to the noble Wizard Kash.”

It would be easy to laugh off Patel’s trilogy as harmless kitsch. But the man who once cast Democrats as storybook villains now commands one of the most powerful law enforcement agencies in the world, with the ability to target real people through investigations, indictments and surveillance. And that is terrifying.

American institutions do not survive by bending to kings, real or imagined. The FBI’s credibility rests on its independence, yet Patel’s idolization of President Trump makes it clear he cannot be that. He has cast himself as the wizard at Trump’s side, but in truth he is a pawn in the kingdom he imagines.