Police arrived at her apartment to perform a wellness check, where her body was found alongside an additional suicide note in her living room.
In her online post, titled “I Hate The Word ‘Bye’, But See You Later Maybe?,” Condell began by writing, “I have written this note several times in my head for over a decade, and this one finally feels right. No edits, no overthinking. I have accepted hope is nothing more than delayed disappointment, and I am just plain old-fashioned tired of feeling tired.”
She continued by addressing the seeming disconnect between her “privileged” life on paper and her inner demons.
“I realize I am undeserving of thinking this way because I truly have a great life on paper,” she wrote. “I’m fortunate to eat meals most only imagine. I often travel freely without restriction. I live alone in the second greatest American city (San Francisco, you’ll always have my heart). However, all these facets seem trivial to me. It’s the ultimate first world problem, I get it. I often felt detached while in a room full of my favorite people; I also felt absolutely nothing during what should have been the happiest and darkest times in my life. No single conversation or situation has led me to make this decision, so at what point do you metaphorically pull the trigger?”
According to Condell’s website bio, her career choice was inspired by a passion for food — one that was instilled in her by her father, who she referred to as a “‘foodie’ before it was considered popular.” Her Instagram page is scattered with images of her dining, both in New York and around the world. In her note, she went on to list all of the foods she would miss.
“That one charcuterie board with taleggio AND ‘nduja. Anything Sichuan ma la, but that goes without saying. A perfect plate of carbonara (no cream!). Real true authentic street tacos. Cal-Italian cuisine. Hunan Bistro’s fried rice. The pork belly and grape mini from State Bird Provisions circa 2013. Popeye’s of course. Bambas too.”
She added, “I’m also going to miss unexpected hugs. Al Green’s Simply Beautiful. Cherries in July. Tracing a sleeping eyebrow. Smoking cigarettes. The Golden Gate Bridge at sunset. That first sip of iced cold brew in sticky August. Making eye contact with people walking down the street. When songs feel like they’re speaking to your soul. Jeopardy. Saying I love you. Late night junk food binges. Shooting the shit. And especially the no-destination-in-sight long walks.”
“No GoFundMes, no funeral, no tributes, no doing-too-much please,” she wrote. “All I ask now is for you to have one delicious (I mean a really really great) meal in my honor and let me go, no exceptions.”
“It’s selfishly time for me to be happy and I know you can get down with that. Please try to remember me as a whole human you shared memories with and not just my final act. This is not your fault. It’s not exactly easy for me either, I’m here for you. I love you. I always have and I always will, I promise. Shikata ga’nai.
“I’m coming home, Dad. Make some room up on that cloud and turn the Motown up.”
“I’m really sorry mama,” she concluded, before signing the note “Always, TLC.”
Founder of Top Balance Nutrition, Maria Bella, paid tribute to Condell on behalf of her team, saying, “Tara was a talented dietitian loved by all of her patients and coworkers. But beyond that, she was a true friend who always extended her kindness to those around her.”
If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal you can get help by contacting the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255.
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