While bad dates are a common occurrence in the online dating world, this man’s experience was a horror story involving an entire Asian family.
Southern Californian bachelor Jona Nguyen shared his own tale which is reminiscent of “Get Out” with a Filipino parenting twist. In a post shared to Facebook group Subtle Asian Dating, Nguyen gave a very detailed account of his date with “Jewelia,” a girl he met online nearly a decade ago.
While written in a humorous manner, the post gets more horrifying as the story progresses.
It begins when Nguyen met Jewelia on OKCupid, as he is on his way to their date, she asked him if he would be okay with meeting her mother. He agreed:
MY FIRST DATE WITH A FILIPINO GIRL.
Prologue: In 2010-2011 I met this girl through Okcupid, and her name is Jewelia (pronounced Julia cuz Filipinos be extra like that)
Chapter 1: The meeting.
We talked for a few days, learning about each other, bonding over being Scania OGs in maple story, having Asian parents that didn’t allow us out as kids, and loving Frosted mini-wheats. After a few days of talking, I ask if I can take her on a date, and she obliges. Got her address, and bam, it’s time to rock and roll.
Chapter 2: The call.
The night of the date comes, and I’m excited. I’m wearing pants (i NEVER wear pants), got my anchor blue panda shirt on, with my nice ass Vlados, and I’m feeling swagged out. While driving, she calls me, and I pick up. Convo goes:
Her: “Hey… Are you OTW?”
Me: “Yeah, why?”
Her: “….I… Need you to do me a HUGEEee favor.”
Me: “Yeah, of course, what’s up?
Her: “You have to meet my mom..”
Me: “Oh hell yeah, I’m down!”
Her: “Okay.. just making sure..”
Chapter 3: The routine.
So when I finally get there, some little obese 6-year-old boy opens the door. He goes, “are you the j0na guy?”. I’m a lil shooketh and go yes, so then he yells at the top of his lungs, “MOM HE ITH HERE” Then I notice some middle-aged Filipino lady in the kitchen cooking, back turned to me. She turns around, a sinister smile creeping on her face, holding a spatula that’s dripping what seems like adobo sauce, and begins walking over to me. She asks, “are you j0na? The boy trying to take my daughter out on a date tonight?” And in the process makes flicking gestures with her hand, with hot adobo sauce landing on my face. I say “yes, I am.”
She goes, “do you know the ROUTINE?”
I am confused and say no.
She yells, “JEWELIA COME DOWN”
So then comes Jewelia descending from upstairs, in a sulking posture as if embarrassed. Her mom asks “why did you knot tell heem da ruuteen?!”
And Jewelia is deadass silent.
I ask, “what routine?” And then the most wicked smile comes on her face.
After Nguyen arrived, he was greeted by a young boy who summons the mother. They asked him if he knows the “routine.” Jewelia’s mother proceeded to make photo copies of Nguyen’s driver’s license, social security card, and herds him against a wall to take a “mug shot” with a polaroid camera. She placed these items together with a paper clip. Nguyen who is taken back, was not sure what to do.
CHAPTER 4: Fear.
Filipino Mom of Jewelia: “You knot know da rooteen? Every boy has to go through the safety check!”
Me: “Oh okay, yeah that makes sense! I want to keep your daughter safe and make sure it’s comfortable!”
I see Jewelia in the corner of the room sitting on those little Asian stools, head in her palms looking away from me, fear and pain in her eyes as if I am about to become a sacrifice.
Mom: “Can you show me your drivers license please?”
Me: “Uhhh, sure”. *hands over drivers license*
Mom then proceeds to look it over, walks away to another part of the room, and wheels out a PHOTOCOPY MACHINE AND PHOTOCOPIES MY DRIVERS LICENSE. All this time I’m watching her back from afar, eyes widening to the max 1 inch that they can, staring at Jewelia, who is disassociating from this moment as much as possible.
The mom walks back over to me, still carrying that sheepish smile, and hands me my license. I pull out my wallet to put my license back, and she holds my hand, then asks, “Can I see your wallet?”
I say sure, and she then starts to proceed to go through my wallet. She sees my 7 leaves stamp card, random money, and then my social security card. SHE PULLS OUT MY SOCIAL SECURITY CARD AND WALKS BACK TO THE PHOTOCOPY MACHINE AND TAKES A PHOTOCOPY OF THAT TOO. I am shooketh, afraid, but paralyzed in fear because I don’t know how to react. She then walks back over to me, asking me what my phone number is. I tell her, and then she takes out her cell phone and calls me right there in front of me. My Three Days Grace ringtone goes off, and she tells me “Pick up da fone.”
I pick up (while right in front of her), and she then hangs up. “Ok. Now for foto” I say “photo?” And she goes “TONEE, GO GET DA POLO-ROYD” and the little obese boy from before skedaddles over to a cabinet and pulls out a polaroid camera, giving it back to his mom. The mom then asks me to stand against this white wall, and that she needs to take a picture of me. I say sure, and then have my mugshot taken. As my picture is being printed out of the camera I can feel my life being sucked away and identity slowly being stolen bit by bit. She then attaches a paper clip to my picture and walks to a part of the living room, and then the horror begins.
The woman then told Nguyen that he will bring Jewelia to Yogurtland for 40 minutes instead the hike that he initially intended. She will also call him every 10 minutes to ensure Jewelia’s safety and he must absolutely not touch her. Then, a large man who Nguyen described as “a hulking black man built like Dwayne The Rock Johnson” told him if anything happens to Jewelia, he will “replace your mouth with your asshole and feed you your own shit for the rest of your life.”
The boy then followed the couple to their car, took down his plate number, and said he will watch them leave to ensure that the car is really his.
Chapter 5: Escape.
On the walls, is a string, attaching itself from wall to wall. And on the strings, are literally over 30 polaroid mugshots of guys. Guys who have suffered through this ruteen. Guys who have had their drivers’ license photocopied. Guys who tried to sample a bit of this sweet calamansi. My picture then gets attached to this string alongside my driver’s license and social security. She walks back over to me and asks me what the date plan was. I told her I wanted to take her to a little hike, and mid-sentence she interrupted me.
Mom: “No. You will take her to Yogurtland on Cherry” (This date took place in Carson of course). “She is to be home by 8 pm” (It was currently 7:20ish PM) “You are not allowed to touch her, and I will call you every 10 minutes and will want to speak to her. Do you agree to all this?” I say yes, and am already thinking of ways to get away from this date. Then I hear footsteps descending from downstairs. Huge sounding footsteps. Emerging into my sight is a hulking black man built like Dwayne The Rock Johnson (current Dwayne), with the face of 50 Cent/The Game combined. He walks over to my polaroid, takes a picture of it, takes a few steps toward me, and says, “If anything happens to Jewelia tonight, I will personally make sure I replace your mouth with your asshole and feed you your own shit for the rest of your life.” (At this point human centipede has yet to come out btw)
I then walk outside with Jewelia, silence in the air between us. As we get to the car, I realize her little obese brother Tonee was following us. He then asks, “Is this your car?” I said yes, and he begins to write down my license plate number, and then says, “Okay, I will wait here to make sure this is actually your car. You can leave now” We get in the car, with my blood boiling, and make our way to Yogurtland.
After an awkward long silence, Nguyen asked Jewelia why he did not warn him. She replied that her parents are strict, and if she told him then he wouldn’t have wanted to see her. She bursted into tears, wailing when the phone rang. Jewelia asked Nguyen if he will go out with her again, he replied no and she began to cry even harder. He attempted to comfort her by patting her shoulder, when the mother and the boy bursted into the eatery yelling, “ I SAID DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER YOUR RAPIST! HOW DARE YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON HER!”
Nguyen made a run for it, driving off while the boy shot nerfs at his vehicle.
Chapter 6: Free samples.
The entire drive over to Yogurtland, we make no attempts at conversation. The air is thicker than heavier than sisig. We get to Yogurtland and sit down. I try to quell my anger by getting free samples (This is my favorite hobby), and she asks to buy me a bowl. I said no. And if I ever say no to free food, then you know I’m heated. Moments of silence pass by, and I finally break the silence.
Me: “Okay what the fuck was that?”
Jewelia: “I’m sorry… my mom is a little protective.”
Me: “A LITTLE? I HAD MY IDENTITY STOLEN! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS HAPPENS!?”
Jewelia: “BECAUSE I WANT TO SEE IF A GUY WILL EVER STICK THROUGH THIS FOR ME!”
She then begins to cry frantically, tears just streaming everywhere. As I try to calm her, my phone rings, and I pick up to hear her mother.
“Ello I wood like to speek to my daughter please”
I hand over the phone to Jewelia, and they are speaking Tagalog for a few moments before she hands over the phone back to me.
At this point it is 7:40ish and I realize I need to have her home in 20 minutes or else my mouth is going to be replaced with my own asshole. I tell her It’s time to go and she says, “Will I see you again?”
I tell her, “Hell no, your damn family is crazy!!”
And then she starts going hysterical. She starts screaming loudly, yelling, sobbing tears, slamming her fists on the table, and is quivering in fear. I’m so afraid, attempting to calm her, and panicking because the other few customers in this Yogurtland are just staring at me, and I have yet to even buy anything so I’m technically soliciting. I then put my hands on her shoulder to try to calm her down and am trying to reassure her that everything is okay. Then I hear a loud clack. A whiplash of hell entering.
“GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY DAUGHTER!”
I turn around, and her mom comes storming in alongside fat boy Tonee. I’m shooketh at this sudden boss appearance.
Mom: “WHAT WAS THE RULE? I SAID DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER YOUR RAPIST! HOW DARE YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON HER!”
I don’t know what to say and am panicking. So I just bolt out of the Yogurtland and into my car. Tonee waddles outside, and as I’m driving away, shoots a random nerf gun bullet toward my car, and I drive off into the distance. I’m in disbelief, uncertain of what the fuck is happening to me. I’m just like holy shit what did I just go through. I never really thought anything was wrong with them having my information looking back in hindsight now because I was only 19 or 20 at the time, and I was new to dating.
I block all their numbers and never heard from them again. But to this day, I am certain my photo is hanging on that string. I aim to one day reclaim it one day, even though I have no recollection of where she lives. All I know is that it’s about 10 minutes from Gerry’s Grill and somewhere in Carson. I hope that she has escaped her mother’s grip and escaped, because thinking back now, she may have been suffering more than I have.
Nguyen tells NextShark that the story is as accurate as he remembers it although he did change the names of the persons involved, including “Jewelia.”
He noted that while the incident was indeed scary, it did not deter him from dating other Filipino women.
“Most of the girls I dates have been Filipino,” he shared. “I got scared off initially but I have come full circle and love them.”
Feature Image courtesy of Nguyen