Ever wonder what goes on inside the mind of an Asian woman? Dating can be difficult, especially when your yellow fever is scaring away every female in your life.
If you’re on the lookout for an Asian girlfriend by Valentine’s Day, let the internet help you. After all, you know what they say: if you want to know what Asian women want in their love lives, just ask a mediocre white guy named Chad, Derek, John or Chuck, they’ll definitely know what they’re talking about.
Here are some of the so-called ingenious and fool-proof ways to get yourself an Asian girlfriend according to the self-proclaimed “experts” of the internet. Because you know, all Asian women are exactly alike.
They all love toxic masculinity
According to Dean Cortez, “Asian women want to be around a masculine presence, because they are so utterly feminine.”
“This is not the case with a lot of American women these days. Not only do they want to “wear the pants” in the relationship, they’ll also adopt a masculine style of dress — such as wearing baggy sweatpants and baseball caps. You simply will never see an Asian woman dressing this way, even if she’s just going to the store,” he writes.
Treat life like a soap opera
Apparently, all Asian women grow up watching what Dean calls, “romantic serials.”
“This stuff may sound corny to you, but Asian women are raised to believe in it. And so, they expect men to ‘court’ them.”
“Of course, there are Asian women who are less traditional and will date ‘bad boy’-type men. But most high-quality Asian women, since they never want to shame themselves or their families, won’t be seen in public with a foreign guy who dresses shabbily and has lots of visible tattoos.”
Unlike with Western women, you’re allowed to compliment them
“It’s absolutely OK to pay an Asian woman a compliment on how nice she looks,” Cortez reassures readers.
“With American women, I don’t advise you to do this. (They take this as a sign that you’re just another desperate guy trying to hook up with them.) Asian women, however, because they are so wonderfully feminine and take pride in how they look at all times, will be genuinely appreciative of a sincere compliment.”
If she doesn’t react immediately or becomes shy, don’t worry because you’re actually doing this right. “Although she may act shy, and blush when you tell her, this just means that you’ve touched her emotionally,” Cortez says.
Make her smile
Dan Bloom has come up with a fool-proof three step method when it comes to speaking to Asian women:
“Casually get a conversation started based on something she’s wearing or doing, ask her if she’s a tourist from Africa (90% this gets a laugh because it’s unexpected), once she laughs tell her that you like her taste of humor and ask for her name.”
“This 3-step combination is a good start. It’s also tailored for women from Asia. If you told this to women back home many of them would wonder if you’re ‘normal’. Most Asian women are more ‘fun’ and will play along. That’s one reason why I love girls from the Orient.”
Enlist help from other “Orientals”
Worst comes to worst, if you still can’t find your perfect Asian girl, ask for help. “If you’re in Korea or Japan you can even tell your colleagues that you’re looking for an Asian girlfriend. It’s customary in certain Oriental countries to help friends out with getting dates,” Bloom writes.
Lie to her about your yellow fever
“You’ll get asked by any Asian girl on the first date whether you have an Asian fetish. Just say that you’ve never dated an Asian girl and she’ll suddenly see you as a challenge. (Trust me, works every f**king time. Every. F**king. Time),” Lance writes.
Lance says that Asian women are more likely to fall for the charming and polite type than other races, “Once again, think about rom coms and how the hero acts – obviously don’t be that guy though – he never gets laid,” Lance says. So basically, invent a whole new identity is what he’s saying.
Be willing to put up with her BS
According to Lance, “Asian girls are REALLY f**king clingy. They will text you all f**king day long and pout about how you didn’t text them enough.”
Apparently Asian women are also too obsessed with money and wealth. “Asian girls expect the guy to pay and they care about money more than other populations,” Lance writes.
Take the lead
In an article written by Colt Williams it states, “East Asian girls are probably the most traditionally submissive women you will ever encounter. They will not lend much of a hand to you in their own seduction, so you must boldly lead them to the bedroom. And if you can do so while maintaining your frame, they’ll wet themselves in anticipation for what’s to come.”
In a different article by a man who calls himself “G-Freedom,” he argues the same rings true outside of the bedroom as well. “Asian women will generally not challenge a man too strongly when it comes to decision time,” he writes.
“Plenty will have their say and give their opinion, but when it comes time to make the big calls, the man is wearing the big boy boots. This comes with the burden of responsibility for those decisions, so make sure you are ready to lead.”
If they seem scared, keep trying
“Due to the fact that in ancient times families arranged marriages and they still try to do it nowadays, Asian women don’t really have a proper sense of what it means to seduce, flirt or date someone,” Daniel Marques writes in his book, “Dating Asian Women: What to Know and How to Behave When Dating an Asian Woman.”
“If a foreigner man approaches them in the street they often react as confused as also anxiously afraid. Even if their English is perfect, at this point their brain stops working and they have no idea about what to do, say or reply. You may start believing that something is wrong with you, if you ask about a certain road to a strange girl in the streets of several Asian countries and she starts running away.”
However, you shouldn’t worry. Because according to Marques YOU are not the problem. It’s simply due to the fact that these women watch U.S. television on a daily basis but are anti-social and have never seen a real foreigner before.
“The main problem with these societies is that what’s seen in television doesn’t match their family values, so these women live between two worlds, in which theirs is often taken as unpleasant and uninteresting while the other frightens, excites and astonishes.”
Talk down to them
In yet another book by Daniel Marques called, “The Dark Side of Asian Women: What to Expect From an Asian Woman Before It Happens” he writes, “many Asian women have daily fantasies about meeting a foreigner man and marrying him, have a family with him, etc.”
Asian women are obsessed with American romantic movies and these films have essentially brainwashed them so it’s important to be realistic with them but be gentle, because according to Marques, they are highly sensitive.
“The best solution in dealing with these situations consists in gradually teaching them about the personality of the man they’re dealing with and slowly bring them to reality without confronting in a way that may make them burst into tears of disappointment.”
Marques recommends asking something along the lines of, “We haven’t kissed enough to talk about marriage, I think! What do you think?” or, “You know, in the movies, everything happens very fast because it has one hour and a half, but you can’t rush life in one hour and a half and compress it all there. Don’t you agree?”
According to Marques, “Asian women fear being abandoned by men and tend to be immature when dealing with relationships.”
“One of the most common situations is when she requests to have sex without a condom,” he writes. Asian women do this because they believe the only possible way to keep a man is to have a child with him.
“Some women, either very young, or already in their 40s, want a baby so much that they will have sex without protection with as many men as possible until they have what they want.”
Marques also notes, “Their immaturity about life and relationships is what makes them special and at the same a headache for the less patient men.”
As an Asian woman, allow me to add a final note to help you on your quest for love – STAY THE HELL AWAY AND JUST LEAVE US ALONE.
Honestly how do you even come up with this BS? That’s enough of the internet for me today.
Editor’s Note: In case you haven’t realized it already, this article is a satire piece.