A Typical Day Going to an All-You-Can Eat Buffet With Your Asian Family

buffet

10:00 a.m.

You wake up on a Saturday morning and go down for breakfast. You immediately notice that your meal is WAY lighter than usual.

“We are going to buffet tonight with your grandma, uncles, aunties, and cousins! Don’t eat so much!” your mom yells from the kitchen.

“We have 10% off coupon!” your dad yells from the couch as he’s cutting out the coupon from a Chinese newspaper.

12:30 p.m.

You go to the kitchen expecting lunch, but nothing can be found.

“I told you! We are going to buffet tonight!” your mom yells as she’s watering plants from the yard. “You get full now you waste money!”

5:00 p.m.

You are starving like crazy now and can’t wait to leave.

6:00 p.m.

You arrive at the buffet and notice a huge line out. Your mom grabs a number. You and your siblings walk around to kill time while your dad is taking a nap in the car.

6:30 p.m.

It’s finally your group’s turn and you all walk up to the host to get seated.

“He is under 12!” your mom tells the host as she’s pointing to your 15 year old brother while looking at the “kids under 12 eat free” sign.

“But mom! I’m 15!” your brother argues.

“NO NO NO!” your mom yells back while waving him off.

The host looks at the both of them confused, but somehow ends up playing along.

6:35 p.m.

You are finally seated and a server comes asking what drinks you’d like.

“Is soda free?” you ask.

“No, it’s extra. I’m sorry!” she replies. “But tea is free! I can bring you guys a whole teapot to share.”

Your parents give you the death stare.

“Okay, water is fine,” you reply with a defeated look on your face.

You stand up to finally get some food. You are starving like crazy. You go to the pizza section and load up on fries and pizza. You eat so much Asian food at home and want some American food for a change.

As you are going back to the table, you see from a distance that both your parents are already sitting down peeling crab legs. They have two plate fulls each already.

“OMG! What are you doing?!” your dad yells as you set your plate down. “Pizza and fries are cheap! They are making money from you!”

The whole table of adults look at you. It’s quiet but you can hear them all screaming “SHAME” in unison as you eat your food.

6:50 p.m.

To avoid being shamed again, you head over to the seafood section and pile your plate up with shrimp, oysters, and crab legs. You get in line and are waiting patiently when suddenly an old Asian lady unknowingly cuts in front the five people ahead of you, grabs a bunch of crab legs, and leaves. You’re embarrassed because it’s your grandma.

Your dad tells you to bring him some sushi, so you head over to the sushi section. All the sashimi is gone, so you opt for nigiri sushi.

Your dad is not happy to hear this when you tell him what happened. He proceeds to eat each fish off the top and leaving the rice behind. After all, rice is just something cheap to fill customers up.

7:20 p.m.

It’s been some time now and you notice none of the adults have gotten up to get food. They are all watching the seafood section like a hawk, waiting for the servers to bring more fresh crab legs. They are ready.

8:00 p.m.

After a few helpings, your table is full of crab shells and your dad has two plates full of leftover rice from the nigiri sushi. All is well until you point to the sign that says “extra food left behind will have an extra charge. INCLUDING RICE.”

Your dad pauses and looks calm. But you can also tell he is panicking on the inside.

8:30 p.m.

You, your siblings, and cousins grab some ice cream for dessert, while the whole table is eating from one big plate of fruit. You notice from the corner of your eye that your dad is secretly hiding extra rice into the teapot.

8:45 p.m.

Your uncle excuses himself to the go to the restroom.

9:00 p.m.

You’re stuffed now. Everyone should be full by now and preparing to leave.

Suddenly, your mom and aunties comes back with more plates of food. You’re confused. “Didn’t they just finish dessert!?” you ask yourself.

As they sit down, they look around. The coast is clear. They slowly pull out tupperware from their purses and start to secretly put food inside them to take home.

9:15 p.m.

Your Uncle comes back after being in the bathroom for almost 30 minutes, but you’re confused as he has another plate of food in his hands.

“Second round!” he tells you with a smile as he eats more crab legs.

9:30 p.m.

Your mom asks for the bill. As you’re playing on your Gameboy/phone/Nintendo DS, etc., your aunt next to you taps your shoulder.

“Here! Put this in your pocket!” She hands you a napkin filled with cookies from the dessert section.

9:35 p.m.

The bill comes. As the host is handing it to your mom, your auntie suddenly grabs it!

“Let me take it!” she says.

“NO NO NO! I take it!” your mom yells back.

“I have coupon!” Your dad says as he pulls out the crumpled coupon from his pocket.

This goes on for another 10 minutes until your mom finally wins. Your aunt sits back defeated and angry she didn’t win.

9:40 p.m.

The bill is finally paid and your dad hurries everyone to leave. There are now two teapots filled with leftover rice and he’s doesn’t want to get caught.

9:45 p.m.

As you all drive out of the parking lot, your dad looks at all of you and says…

“I think we got our moneys worth!”

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