I had no idea my silence about my brief time knowing you could have potentially allowed you to propel more of your sexist, racist, and cruel actions. I listened to my friends’ advice and pushed you into the abyss of my mind, investing nothing further. Our time together was brief, and I am grateful for that. I won’t dwell on what could have happened, although the idea is true. I’m being flooded with warnings to be careful moving forward with other men and notes of relief that I’m safe.
I don’t know to what extent, but I do know what you’re capable of, Nick. And now so do others. At first you appeared intelligent, put together, and carried yourself with poise. Whether it’s a facade to mask your legitimate self or a true side of you, it’s critically overshadowed by spitefulness and hate. I’m not going to go on my own long denunciation about you, but know that never again will I press my tongue against my cheek. There are far too many people out there who think verbal harassment is an acceptable right — that it only does intangible harm and is therefore societally pardoned. Misogyny and misandry is out there, across the whole of the sexual orientation board.
Our initial conversation was pleasant, but it didn’t take long for my watchful eye and observance to feel the overbearing haughtiness you portrayed during our physical exchange. I remained polite, and tried my best not to make too harsh of an assessment in my mind. The red flags and subtle gut instincts were there, though not prominent, but I’m not big on taking chances. Our night concluded with my knowing that it was our first and last.
You were aware that I had a flight to catch the next morning, and texted me beforehand to set something up upon my return to the city. Wrapped up in my day ahead, I didn’t reply. I admit I was in between the infamous limbo that is deciding to stop replying altogether (in layman’s terms “ghosting”), continue texting but slowly distance myself in hopes you take the hint, or to be direct in not wanting to advance any further. Through a quick hour-long flight I decided I’d approach the situation via the latter of the three — I was going to tell you point blank. I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere and I wasn’t going to waste your time by drawing out our… acquaintanceship.
A fear everyone shares and equally loathes is rejection. Being toldwe aren’t wanted is devastating, but so is being ignored and being in the dark about what your situation is with another person, platonically or emotionally. I can think of a plethora of reasons why I would and wouldn’t prefer one way over the other, but above all they’re both crushing. So with an empathetic heart, I politely declined your motion. What happened after I don’t need to repeat, it speaks for itself. I was (surprisingly) taken back seeing your face plastered across the internet. Seeing your callous words sent to another woman was demoralizing, and being Filipino myself, I was revolted at your use of such a vile racist term.
I’m choosing now to tell you and other men like you that women—ALL women—do not cater to you. We do not need you. We are building foundations for ourselves and each other. And Nick, that will never stop.
Thank you Tinder for your brisk actions.
Thank you Rosette Pambakian for your moving and tenacious words.
Thank you Kevin KTran for bringing this to light and giving courage to myself and others to come forward with our own experiences with men of the same feather.
And thank you Nick, for being an impeccable embodiment that gives us fuel and ammunition in our ever-growing empowerment and strength.
And guess what? You’re barely a drop in our fuel tank.
About the Author: Alexa Velez is a Eurasian native of Los Angeles, conquering the art of living and loving all things West Coast.