New Research Reveals Just How Destructive Our iPhone Addictions Are

phone addict

According to new research from the University of Missouri, iPhone users may experience “serious psychological and physiological effects” when separated from their phones.

It’s a grave situation, folks. To quote the MU News Bureau, channeling the type of urgency usually reserved for warnings issued by the FDA and CDC:

“The researchers say these findings suggest that iPhone users should avoid parting with their phones during daily situations that involve a great deal of attention, such as taking tests, sitting in conferences or meetings, or completing important work assignments, as it could result in poorer cognitive performance on those tasks.”

In other words, standard advice given to people who are on prescription medications, are under the influence, or who have lost a loved one in a fire recently also applies to people who have misplaced their iPhones somewhere between their couch cushions.

For their study, the researchers had iPhone users sit at a computer cubicle under the guise of testing the reliability of new wireless blood pressure cuffs. The iPhone users were then given a word search puzzle to complete while their phones sat next to them. After completing the first puzzle, during which their heart rates and blood pressure were being monitored, the participants were told their iPhones were causing “Bluetooth interference” and had to be placed further away. The participants were then given a second word search puzzle to complete while apart from their phones. While finishing the second word puzzle, the researchers rang participants’ iPhones and collected data on the participants’ self-reported anxiety and unpleasantness levels, as well as their heart rate and blood pressure levels.

The results weren’t pretty. According to the MU News Bureau:

“The researchers found a significant increase in anxiety, heart rate and blood pressure levels, and a significant decrease in puzzle performance when the participants were separated from their iPhones as compared to when iPhone users completed similar word search puzzles while in possession of their iPhones.”

Replace all instances of “iPhones” with “heroin” in the above, and it’d be no difference to the unaware. We’re basically a bunch of Gollums to our iPhones’ “precious.”

The lead author of the study, Russell Clayton, said:

“Our findings suggest that iPhone separation can negatively impact performance on mental tasks. Additionally, the results from our study suggest that iPhones are capable of becoming an extension of our selves such that when separated, we experience a lessening of ‘self’ and a negative physiological state.”

O iPhone, iPhone, wherefore art thou iPhone? Losing your betrothed is always devastating, even if your betrothed is an inanimate object that was manufactured at a suicide-plagued Chinese labor camp.

The takeaway: Keep your iPhone glued to yourself at all times. Well, glued to anywhere beside your crotch, anyway.

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