10 Ways You Can Get Laid at Your Startup Without Getting in Trouble

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Did that headline get your attention? Good. Because for anyone who’s messed up in the head enough to come here to actually get this sort of advice, shame on you.

With the recent stories of American Apparel sacking former founder, CEO, and sexual creep Dov Charney and the suspension of Tinder’s Justin Mateen over sexual harassment claims, it’s about damn time someone addresses all the inappropriately thirsty young entrepreneurs and business people out there. To ensure that you don’t end up like these guys, here are ten points to help you not be the misogynistic douche that you probably are.

1. No means gtfo.

Seriously, can this point be ANY clearer? We are not at the club or bar, we are in a work environment. I’m here to get shit done, something you should probably be doing too. The likelihood of me playing hard to get in this situation is probably close to zero. If I tell you no, get the hint. If I have to tell you again, we are going to have a problem.

2. Don’t sh*t where you eat.

This is just a general moral code everyone at work should follow, but what happens when an exec uses the workplace as his own personal (unwilling) strip club? In the case of Dov Charney, International Business Times reported that “One of the most well-known cases was that of Irene Morales, an AA employee who claimed she was forced to be Charney’s sex slave in his Los Angeles apartment…  Charney was accused of intimidating employees into posing for revealing photos and demanding sexual favors from a former employee in return for keeping her job. Many of the suits have been dismissed…” Which means they went to arbitration to get them out of the spotlight. Shit where you work indeed.

3. Get your priorities in check.

You are trying to grow a startup. Are you seriously going to let something as trivial as office pussy distract you from your main purpose in life as an entrepreneur? When a guy starts flirting around in his startup and it’s clear it’s distracting him from work, that startup is already doomed. Time to find a new job…

4. Have some self control.

If there’s one thing we learned from The Wolf of Wall Street, it’s that really stressful jobs make everyone want to have sex. If you can’t control something as simple as your sexual impulses, how can anyone trust you to run a company properly? According Jane magazine reporter Claudine Ko, in 2004 American Apparel’s Dov Charney masturbated in front of her “eight or so times” during an interview discussing “things like business models, hiring practices and the stupidity of focus groups.””Masturbation in front of women is underrated,” Charney said. Umm… wtf?

5. Don’t be that guy.

Everyone at your startup knows you as the horndog walking a fine line between charm and sexual harassment- or they just know you as the creep.. You seem to be the only one who doesn’t know it, but you make everyone around you uncomfortable. We aren’t haters, you just disgust us.

6. Also, don’t be a such a ho.

This is for situations when it’s not just about a creepy guy. You are the flirty girl who is either so naive to not know that every guy at work basically wants to bang you or you are just thirsty as f*ck. From your first day, everyone pretty much summed up that you are that you like to flirt and will put out. Are you really going to be one of those women that sets the rest of us back 50 years?

7. Care about your reputation.

And your future. If there is one thing we know for a fact, being the startup misogynist will always come back to bite you in the ass. Around the time Snapchat CEO Evan Spiegel was just creating the disappearing-photo app, ValleyWag reported that he wrote several emails to his frat brothers saying things like “Hope at least six girl sucked your dicks last night,” “fuckbitchesgetleid,” and “Have some girl put your large kappa sigma dick down her throat.” Just like the kid who peed his pants in the fourth grade, no one ever forgets.

8. You’re pretty much asking to be sued.

Just like Tinder’s Justin Mateen who dated fellow co-founder Whitney Wolfe, got super clingy, then very emotional and douchey. Their riveting text message dialogue shows Justin texting things like, “Ul regret acting this way once my tenderness for you wears off from ur behavior,” to “go talk to ur 26 year old fucking accomplished nobody… I will shit on him in life,” then to “your employment continuing is not likely an option at this point,” most of which she responded with “stop harassing me.”  So she sued. That’s what happens when you act a damn fool.

9. You need professional help.

You, sir, have caught the contagious sex addiction as made infamous by Tiger Woods. If you can’t think with anything other than your dick or control your testosterone fuelled emotions, work is the last place anyone will want you. No, there isn’t really professional help for not being entrepreneur enough for your business or man enough to control yourself.

10.You need a f*cking girlfriend.

And a life… if you aren’t too much of a scumbag that is. If finding and keeping a quality girlfriend is impossible for you, it’s a basic fact that you will not be successful later on in life. Let it stand that this is the jump ship signal for all the ladies in your startup. Entrepreneur Craig Clemens explains that:

“…if you’re wanting to build a business, absolutely a relationship is a way to go because one, you’ve got someone there to support you… And two… Speaking as a man, it takes your mind off trying to get laid all fucking day long! Which can get you very distracted from your business!”

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