This Investment Banker’s Insane Life Was Basically Just Money, Cocaine and Orgies

Above are the faces of an extremely successful $7-million-a-year investment banker, Sage Kelly (left), and his wife, Christina Di Mauro (right). They both have severe alcohol and cocaine addictions, Kelly has been known to defecate on beds, floors and walls when he’s blasted, and together, they might just be the worst rich parents in the world. This is an intimate look into their personal lives which they have so thoughtfully made public.

Kelly, the global head of healthcare investment at Jeffries & Co., and his wife are now embroiled in a bitter divorce over an absolutely insane drug and money-fueled marriage; Di Mauro is suing her soon to be ex-husband for $7 million dollars in damages as well as to limit his access to their two young daughters. Di Mauro alleges that Kelly’s use of jaw-dropping amounts of cocaine, ecstasy, heroin, ketamine, Molly and magic mushrooms contributed to the insanity of their ravaged marriage. I shall paint a picture of the twisted and damaged life of an investment banker who makes way too much money.

According to New York Daily News, during their marriage the Kellys owned multi-million dollar homes on Manhattan’s Park Avenue and Sag Harbor in Long Island, New York. One time, after binging on both alcohol and various other drugs, Kelly was so plastered that he had to be helped all the way to bed by the doorman at their Park Ave home. Once in bed, Di Mauro alleges, Kelly lost control of his bowels — their eldest daughter had to clean up her father’s urine and feces. This, allegedly, was a common occurrence.

To that, Kelly defended himself:

… At least to the best of his knowledge — who remembers these things when you are smashed beyond belief on a cocktail of drugs and alcohol anyways.

Di Mauro claims she never used cocaine until just before she married Sage Kelly. She told the court that her husband refused to have sex with her unless they snorted cocaine. Thus, her own cocaine addiction (which Kelly caught on hidden camera for court purposes) began.

Part of Kelly’s defense also includes an incident in 2010 when Di Mauro crashed their 2007 Range Rover by their summer home in Sag Harbor, knocking down three utility poles and cutting off power to dozens of homes. At the time, Di Mauro was speeding while heavily intoxicated while her two daughters, aged 6 and 2 years old, were sitting in the back. All sustained at least minor injuries, the children were taken by child protective services, and Di Mauro was charged with aggravated DWI and two counts of child welfare endangerment.

Di Mauro also detailed a time when Kelly had one really bad trip on ketamine and became so “discombobulated and depressed” that he desperately clung to their then 3-year-old daughter for several hours.

Kelly’s daughter almost got into the cocaine. Once, during a party with Kelly’s friends at their summer home, one of his associates left a bag of cocaine on a pool table. Kelly’s daughter, not knowing what it was, stuck her finger in it. Just as she was about to ingest it, a horrified Di Mauro noticed and ran over to stop her just in time.

Allegedly, Sage Kelly bonded with and trusted his drug dealer more than his own wife.

Kelly’s wife also detailed to the court 20 of his friends, all investment bankers, who he would regularly have crazy drug parties with.

The following deposition documents Kelly’s attempt to land an important client, Marc, at the Ritz Carlton in Boston with a little drinking, lots of cocaine, and probably the most awkward foursome you’ve ever read about. For the record, Kelly’s strategy was successful. Via Dealbreaker:

So from Sage Kelly’s story, we can all safely assume that investment bankers are paid millions to spend all of their time blasted out of their mind, winning over their clients with posh orgies and ruining the lives of their families. This, my friends, is the American Dream.